That was a total - complete - epic - fail. I really don't know if I was actually intending to follow through. Probably not. Writing the words did make me feel better, though. It gave me hope. However, because of that now I feel like absolute shit. Really - shit.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Actually, I know what's wrong with me but don't know how to find the will power to fix myself. Everything, when looked at collectively, seems so painful and pointless. Why love someone if they're going to leave you? Why go to work if it makes you hate your life five days a week? Why hope for something better when it will just leave you disappointed?
I know - I'm a pessimist. That puts it lightly. See what I mean? I'm broken. The hardest part is knowing that I'm the only one to blame for being like this. Still, I find myself seeking out people to blame, situations and memories that threw my life off track. Truth is, it's me. I'm responsible. I am the reason I am who I am. Sure, I had some help along the way but, ultimately, I decided which experiences shaped the person I've become.
I'm lacking. I'm less than what I want to be. Not where I want to be. Nowhere near it. Not even close.
I could have been more. I can. I would if I wasn't so damn scared and wary of everyone in my life. I feel let down by the people meant to be my protectors and confidants. I feel crippling sadness knowing the life that I could of had but don't. I know that I'm able to change everything in my life that leaves me feeling this way. What scares me the most is being myself. Putting myself out to someone, anyone. I don't know what I would do if I were to be rejected for being me.
I know none of this is making sense. None of it is making any sense to me, either.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Intros
No one will probably ever read the words I'm about to write. I know this. Ironically, the phase of my life I'm currently in includes A LOT of denial. This denial aids my effort in hoping someone will magically find these posts and make the time I'm spending right now worth while. Yeah, I know - whether someone does or does not read my post shouldn't determine the value of my thoughts. Yet, it does. I'm also in a very insecure phase of my life, too. I'm going through a mid-20s life crisis, if that exists. Pathetic, I know.
I'm 26. When I was younger I thought that I would have the world figured out by now. Yes, I was and still am an idiot in many ways. More than a decade later I'm STILL struggling to understand myself and others around me. Why are people so damn complicated? I can't seem to crack any understanding of the few people I have in my life. I still can't understand the adult world I've supposedly been involved in for the past 8 years. It's weird.
I know that anyone that has reached this point has already come to the conclusion that I'm a 20-something with inconsistent grammar and a rather unimpressive (boring) outlook on life. I've never been clubbing. I've never gone to a concert. I've never been drunk. I've never been "high" (quoting it makes me that more prudish). Social settings scare me. I don't even participate in social media. I'm a 20-something - I should be experimenting, staying out late, socializing and boozing it up.
It is because of this that I will be challenging myself. I'm going to say, "yes," to every adventure that presents itself to me. I'm going to go out of my way to do at least 1 thing I haven't done, or have been wanting to do, everyday. Of course, I won't be posting on here daily because I want to give the illusion that I have a busy, social life. I don't, but it will make me feel that much better about myself.
Until then, imaginary readers.
I'm 26. When I was younger I thought that I would have the world figured out by now. Yes, I was and still am an idiot in many ways. More than a decade later I'm STILL struggling to understand myself and others around me. Why are people so damn complicated? I can't seem to crack any understanding of the few people I have in my life. I still can't understand the adult world I've supposedly been involved in for the past 8 years. It's weird.
I know that anyone that has reached this point has already come to the conclusion that I'm a 20-something with inconsistent grammar and a rather unimpressive (boring) outlook on life. I've never been clubbing. I've never gone to a concert. I've never been drunk. I've never been "high" (quoting it makes me that more prudish). Social settings scare me. I don't even participate in social media. I'm a 20-something - I should be experimenting, staying out late, socializing and boozing it up.
It is because of this that I will be challenging myself. I'm going to say, "yes," to every adventure that presents itself to me. I'm going to go out of my way to do at least 1 thing I haven't done, or have been wanting to do, everyday. Of course, I won't be posting on here daily because I want to give the illusion that I have a busy, social life. I don't, but it will make me feel that much better about myself.
Until then, imaginary readers.
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